White Christmas Parade "just lovely"
Today's "White Christmas Parade" in Christchurch was well received by elderly residents.
"I thought it was lovely that the young people got together and organized a White Christmas parade. And so close to Christmas too. And in broad daylight" said 92-year old pensioner Ethyl Bypassed.
87-year old retired soup stock salesman Mr Jock Stanchion said "Come to think of it, I am very proud of white christmases too. All that peaceful white snow. So relaxing. And it's great that these young blokes even printed up their own t-shirts for such an occasion".
Local parishioner Reverend Tanigakabau was unavailable for comment.
Local idiots build road sign "way the fuck too big".
The Wellington City Council are slightly in the shit after having built a local road sign that measures 800 metres by 300 metres.
The sign in question.
"It is bloody comically large" remarked a local dickhead in passing.
"It is fucking stupid" added a blind motorist "because we all know where Wellington is anyway. It's just over there."
"I am fucking spewing over this" spat local beneficiary Aunty Egrith Meridill anonymously. "The sign will cost local ratepayers 1.4 million dollars which is so expensive that it has caused the cancellation of the making the Lord of the Ringpiece trilogy. I am fucking spewing."
Aunty Egrith Meridill in happier days.
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Local Bartender Fired.
A local bartender has been fired after being caught red-handed in the act of brazenly adding his "original sauce" to a fancy cocktail, right in front of 2 rich-as-shit paying customers.
"Is Japanese gravy. You try! Is whale enema!"
"Stupid little cunt" lamented the hotel concierge. "We've told him numerous times about this sort of thing. 'This is not a Japanese fucking restaurant' we told him. First we caught him pouring gallons of whale afterbirth all over the steaks. Then we rumbled him in the pantry secreting octopus nipples into all the croutons one-by-one. Then it was dolphin spoof in the nutsack gravy. This is the last straw!"
Local sunbather maintains cancer-free penis.
A local sunbather is endeavoring to keep his male sexual organ free of potentially dick-crippling cock cancer with an ingenious self-devised method. "The secret is, I rub suncream all over my dick" said the partially-bronzed sunbather. "To be on the safe side, I liberally and continuously apply suncream all over my exposed dick for an extended period of time while sunbathing. This ensures the dangerous cancer gamma rays cannot get through either the suncream barrier, or the repetitively blocking moving motion of my hand."
"I sunbathe for about 4 hours a day."
"I am sunbathing right now while simultaneously
preventing dick cancer."
"Still keeping cancer at bay here."
Onehunga Man Sought To Answer Charges Over Permit-less Gravedigger.
Local man D.Balls is being sought for questioning over his operation of a homemade gravedigging machine. The apparatus is assembled entirely from parts believed to have been stolen from Auckland's seven Warehouse branches over the course of the last 10 months.
The machine (pictured below) weighs 400 million tonnes and can dig graves at the rate of 280,000 an hour.
"Fast enough to bury every c**t in this ****hole town in ten f***in' minutes" mumbled Mr Balls.
While attempting to cross State Highway 12 (above), Mr Balls was overheard shouting down to irate motorists from his tiny cockpit "alright, alright, stop honking, you c***ts, I can't find f****n' 2nd gear".
When ordered down from the vehicle by local law enforcement agencies, Mr Balls responded "Come down? Get f**ked. When I'm ****faced, it takes me 3 f**kin days to find this f**kin cockpit. 3 f**kin days! Walk all over this cu*nt looking for this f**kin little booth, I do. Come down? F**k off, you litt..." whereupon a hail of empty alcoholic beverage containers rained down upon the officers.
Similar to the chimes played by an ice cream truck as it makes it's rounds, Mr Balls broadcasts a tape over a loudspeaker while driving. The lyrics are as follows:
"Bring out your dead."
"Bring out your dead."
"Bring out your dead."
"YOU CUNTS!"
Civil Defense authorities were aghast to learn that Mr Balls only means of navigating his giant craft was to ask his pet budgerigar, who was seated next to him in the cockpit, which way to go.
"Where to now, me little chipper?" Balls was overheard to remark on more than one occasion. "We're off to dig some graves, mate, bury some of these c*nts good and proper."
